Everybody's a Comedian

Now ESPN's Page 2 columnist Gregg Easterbrook (who's supposed to be covering the NFL mind you) gets in on the act by posting this picture from the Rankin-Bass Christmas classic Rudolph with this caption: He just turned down the Alabama job, too.



At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. Bob Petrino–(40-9) bold and aggressive, no nonsense attitude is just what Bama needs, offensive guru who could immediately goad the Auburn powers and Tuberville, has a small one million dollar buyout clause. Major drawbacks: needs to get a defensive coordinator with an ability to stop the opponents pass, his family loves the Louisville area and he turned down the Raiders three times on a 20 million dollar offer.
2. Bob Stoops–(85-18) although he has recently denied interest, a friend of his stated that if the correct offer is made he “would take a long hard look at the deal and consider his options.” He is the best Big 12 coach since Osborne and houndstooth visors would sell rapidly, he runs a generally clean program, he will not put up with a losing attitude which has infested the Bama program (i.e., acceptance of low expectations). Drawbacks--has invested a lot of time and energy at OU and may not be ready to leave with a well-regarded recruiting class coming in this year, would probably only stay 3-6 seasons b/c he will not hang around like a Paterno or Bowden, may leap to the NFL.
3. Nick L. Saban–(91-42-1) proven collegiate head coach and NFL assistant, tremendous defensive mind that succeeded greatly at LSU. NFL career is on the brink of collapse and will need somewhere to go either at the end of this season or next.
4. Bill Parcells–perfect attitude to clean up the program from the lack of discipline of the Shula Error. Drawbacks--age, already has one of the top NFL jobs, yet four years ago he did call AD Moore about the job and Moore never bothered to return the call (this was reported in the Birmingham News by Kevin Scarbinsky and others).
5. Chris Peterson, Boise State–(12-0)probably the real genius behind Dan Hawkins great record at Boise and is an offensive whiz averaging around 45 points per game over the last six seasons, young up and coming coach much like Urban Meyer at Bowling Green and Utah. Drawbacks--must get a better defensive coordinator who teaches sound coverage skills.
6. Gary Patterson–(53-20) excellent coach and defensive minded. Drawbacks--Tide has already had one bad experience with a coach from TCU.
7. Paul Johnson, Navy–(99-34) more adaptable in his offense than many people think, has a 99-34 overall record so a lot of experience winning and not much in the losing category is always good. Drawbacks–no experience at a major program, may be involved in a major steroid scandal at Navy.
8. Gene Stallings–(70-16-1) could mentor a great offensive assistant to take over the head job after two or three seasons. The best replacement would be Jimbo Fisher. Drawbacks–obviously his age.
9. Frank Beamer–(almost 200 career victories when one counts his HC time at Murray State) has previously expressed interest in Tide job, great special teams and defense that would be very appreciated. Drawbacks--absolutely must bring Bud Foster (DC) with him and not leave him behind to take over the Va. Tech HC job or may end up like Dan Hawkins (rudderless at Colorado minus OC Chris Peterson), also runs a program that on the field edges towards dirty play and his players often demonstrate a lack of class.
10. Jimmy Johnson–(81-34-3 college; 89-68 w/Playoffs) complete pipedream but a great leader and unquestioned general over players, he may like to erase the bad taste left in his mouth after his Miami Dolphins experience. Drawbacks–very happily retired.
11. Larry Kehres–(222 career wins, 20 losses, and 3 ties). Just recently won his ninth Division III national championship in the last fifteen seasons and finished 15-0 (winning a second consecutive national title). Drawbacks–may not be prepared for Bama limelight.
12t. Bo Pelini or Jimbo Fisher–combine either with a great DC or OC and they could roll big at Alabama.
13. Jerry Moore–(183-116-2 overall career record; 158-68 at App. St.) Just recently won a second consecutive Division I-AA National Championship. Drawbacks–lack of major college experience and Moore is a little long in the tooth.
14. Chuck Martin–(38-3) Recently won second consecutive Division II National Championship with Grand Valley State. He has won 28 consecutive games and has the winningest quarterback in college football history. Drawbacks–has no experience in major college football and is unprepared for the Alabama fish bowl.
15. Jon Gruden–(81-68 including playoffs) Won a Super Bowl, as for qualifications that is enough said. He led a Raiders team that if not for the problem with the NFL tuck rule, would have went to the Super Bowl before he did that with the Bucs. Drawbacks–former Tennessee assistant coach and married to a former UT cheerleader and apparently owns hundreds of acres of land in Sevierville, TN. Also has been rumored to covet the Notre Dame job in college and possibly Tennessee.

1. Jim Grobe–people talk about him like he has answers, Wake Forest has only won this year because Miami and FSU and others are in the dumps, so what if he finishes 11-2 or 12-2 this year b/c Shula got lucky and finished 10-2 last year in a much tougher conference. Overall record is: 69-67-1 and at Wake he is 36-34, that is simply far too many losses. He has also had SEVEN losing/non-winning seasons out of twelve, if we wanted that why not keep Shula? This guy is a bum and may be fine for WF or other colleges but do not bring him to Bama.
2. Chan Gailey–(37-26)redneck who cannot beat his rival Georgia; Bama needs a coach who can beat rivals LSU, Auburn, and Tennessee at least every once in a while. Tech has lost SIX in row to Georgia, again if we wanted that why not just keep Shula. He may be fine for Tech or some other college but do not bring him, like Curry (0-for Auburn lifetime) to Alabama.
3. Steve Kragthorpe–a hot name the past two seasons, but realistically he is only 29 Wins to 21 Losses, Shula was 26-23 and that is unsatisfactory. Kraggy has no big time experience and went 4-8 in 2004, not good enough. He may be fine for Tulsa or some other small college but do not bring him to Alabama.
4. David Cutcliffe–(44-29) poor recruiter, does not excite the fan base or anyone else for that matter. Cannot get exited himself because he may have a heart attack at any minute. A graduate of Alabama but like Weis did not play there and he has too many ties to Fulmer. His Ole Miss teams also did not have a defense that would be needed to compete consistently. Did absolutely nothing without Eli Manning as QB. Again, fine for UT or as a HC somewhere else.
5. Art Briles–recently mentioned by some as a candidate but his overall record is 26-23 or the same record that Shula was just fired for having. He also has no big time background experience seeing as he was at Stephenville High School in Texas prior to Houston in Conference USA.
6. Jim Gush–mentioned lately as a candidate, has no proven ability at a major level of college or professional football.
7. Jeff Tedford–(42-20) already demonstrated that he was absolutely clueless when it came to playing in the SEC when Tennessee owned his talented Cal team 35-18 in Knoxville. His team was incapable of scoring until UT put in second and third string defensive players. Bama needs someone that can beat Auburn and Tennessee and/or has a proven ability to defeat major rivals and Tedford has not done that. Tedford simply cannot beat major rivals in the Pac 10.
8. Anyone named MIKE–at all costs avoid Mikes. Mike DumBose--scandalous, sexual controversies and infractions, Mike Price--scandalous, sexual controversies, Mike Sherman–has the personality of a baked clam and that reminds many of Mike Shula. Of course, this is in jest as I realize that Mike Stoops is decent and may be really good at a place like Alabama, Mike Shanahan, and Mike Holmgren would also be great. Not Mike Ditka as he slandered Alabama recently on the radio referring to them as possibly the third best team in their own state.


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